This holiday morning, are you worried you didn’t choose the perfect present for that someone special? I always try, yet everywhere I turn the suggestions flood in with impractical ideas. Absolutely not, I have no desire for a candle with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking the bird itself. I also don't need a dawn-simulating clock, because I can leave the curtains open achieves the same thing. I certainly do not want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, as that genetic material originates in fish semen. If I wanted aquatic semen on my face, I'd simply go fishing.
Finding Ideas From the Natural World
Therefore, if you’re always looking for inspiration, I recommend: learn from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent the act of giving. This tradition has existed for at least 100 million years, well before our species evolved. Aided by evolution, this has given wild animals ample time to perfect gift-giving. Heck, some spiders go so far as to wrap their offerings!
Leaving out exercise-related items and other products I dislike, we can identify five main types of Christmas gift: food, homeware, bling, skincare and apparel. The animal kingdom excels in every category.
Culinary Presents: High-Protein Treats to Artisan Kebabs
Brazilian cuckoos give their partners high-protein snacks such as insects, frogs and lizards. But if you prefer your meat shished, then look to the great grey shrike, or Lanius excubitor. Males impale their catch, like insects and mice, on sharp thorns and twigs to create artisan kebabs.
Some insects present to their suitors spitballs, yet these are not just any spitballs. These are the nuptial gifts of scorpionflies, crafted with the freshest saliva sourced from swollen labial glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is packed with nutrients, a key reason why females prefer males with larger gifts.
An additional factor involves the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I am not referring to physical appearance, though that may be true. I mean genetic fitness.
The gifts are given as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is also selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the gift during sex but terminates copulation as soon as it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs mean longer copulation times, where the male transfers additional sperm and the female can’t mate with other males. This clarifies why he bothers creating such an intricate present.
Nest-Building and Shiny Objects
Adélie penguins do not offer food, but they do present things for the home. In Antarctica, their home, one cannot find home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their offerings from the local landscape. Each breeding season, the males gather pebbles and start making their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, leading some chancers to pilfer stones from their neighbours. But when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Think of it as the avian version of a diamond ring. The rock doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she is interested, she takes the gift and adds it to the nest. Subsequently, following some final adjustments, they are ready to start their family.
Regarding bling, corvids are masters at this gift category. There are many accounts exist of people who made friends with wild corvids and then been given bottle tops, fasteners, fastenings and various glittering objects. For instance, a couple in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet from a crow they fed regularly. This is especially charming because while most animals offer gifts hoping for mating opportunities, crows apparently give simply for the joy of it.
The Ultimate Multipurpose Present: Sea Sponges
Off the coast of Australia, dolphins have been spotted plucking clumps of sea sponge from the ocean floor and using them in interesting ways. On occasion, when they’re rummaging for food, they place the sponges over their rostrum to help protect their sensitive snouts. At other times, when male dolphins wish to court females, they wear them like jaunty hats before presenting them as gifts.
In so doing, dolphins ingeniously merge two final categories of holiday gifts. Sea sponges are clothing and skin protection. And if that’s not enough, when males give their sponge hats away, they often strike a U-shaped “banana pose” and produce a whistling sound via their blowhole.
This stands in contrast to the half-arsed giving of domestic animals – like a cat leaving a dead mouse in a hidden spot – or some people. Dolphin gifts are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and presented with flair. There is a lesson from them. A famous singer claims that the only desire during the holidays “is you”, however, my single holiday wish, is to be given a sponge-based headwear and skin guard by a dolphin who serenades me in a stylish manner.
